As someone who has made videos specifically for posting on platforms like YouTube and Instagram its not something totally unfamiliar to me; the fatigue of having spent hours looking at myself (and in the case of video; hearing myself) to the point both mental and physical depletion. However yesterday as I settled into my spot on the couch at 4:30AM with hot coffee, some live music performances on YouTube, and my actual laptop I don't think I could have anticipated the emotional wear and tear of simultaneously going through 2 vastly different points in my life (2005 - 2010 and 2020/2021) via my main form of expression and memory... taking photos.
The emotional toll of one of those years alone would have been a lot to work through (during what turned out to be a 14 hour shift at photo organization and consolidation), but doing both at the same time left me feeling like I was barely a human being at all.
I'm someone who has always frequently changed their appearance whether its style and clothes or the cut and color of my hair. Seeing nearly two full decades of intentional changes along with all of the things unsaid showing in my face was humbling. I try to do my best to reflect on myself and my thoughts and actions to better align them with the type of human I want to be. So I can learn to be a kinder, gentler, more caring person who can create a feeling of safety, love, community, and belonging with my fellow people. This literal form of reflecting on images of my physical self with the emotions wearing themselves as ornate robes all over my face became overwhelming surprisingly fast.
There is always a difference too, between those photos that were the best of the 10 shots and made it into the public eye and those that didn't. The pictures that weren't convincing enough that your were ok. That you weren't miserable, hopeless, lost, confused, filled with self loathing, feeling unsupported or uncared for, those photos where you can see it in the strain behind your eyes that you've never felt so alone. Sitting there combing through those images, some of nearly uncontainable joy and others failing at hiding full scale depression, I was grateful for this opportunity no matter how taxing. Thankful that I've always had a tendency to take photos of everything, even when my avoidance to tending for my garden of images leaves me in the situation I'm currently in. As hard as it has been combing through the tucked away memories of the last two decades of my life, all the self portraits, photos of friends engaged in socializing with me behind the camera, and so many "receipts" screen shots of FB/IG posts and text messages... I can say that as I work through the heavy task of sorting and organizing hundreds of thousands of image files (duplicates abound, believe me) I have hope of coming out of this as a more aware and kinder person who is better able to treat those around me with respect, dignity, and integrity while continuing to work on being my most authentic self.